The patio was all decked out. Three borrowed card tables were dressed in “tablecloths” cut with pinking shears from fabric that looked like a tropical reef covered with bright colorful fish. The “centerpieces” were dime store goldfish bowls, each with their own fish, that doubled as party favors. The “cooler” was the kids’ plastic pool filled with ice and beverages. The sandbox had been converted to a beach with a folding chair, cheerful beach towel and umbrella, buckets and shovels, and a drink with a little paper umbrella. People began arriving. Twelve good friends and a beautiful spring night. Wine, conversation, and laughter flowed.
I was in my element. Everyone was having a good time.
One moment, I was topping up Donna’s glass of wine and laughing. The next, the sound muted and everything fell into slow-motion. I went from participant to observer in a nanosecond.
When a “Perfect” Moment Doesn’t Feel Right
The sound-muted-and-slow-motion effect is a famous cinematic device signaling shock, revelation, overload, or separateness. One of the hardest to watch is in Saving Private Ryan. As the intense D-Day landing on Omaha beach begins, we’re watching from the outside. Then the camera angle changes, and the deafening chaos blurs into an eerie, muffled semi-silence. We’re tracking with Tom Hanks as he dizzily watches the carnage around him.
Out-of-the-moment experiences can show up in a multitude of ways, but the meaning is generally consistent – you feel out of sync and the scene wobbles. In a scene like the patio party, an armchair psychologist (or even a real therapist) might say you don’t feel like you deserve it – don’t feel worthy – and that might be true, but it isn’t the only possibility. Tom Hanks was horrified numb – surely no one deserved this.
Stand with me for a moment on the edge of that patio. Feel with me. The fun. The satisfaction of creating this pretty, relaxing, good-friends-food-and-fun filled evening. I’m in my element. This is me. This is ME. My pleasure and worthiness are firmly intact.
We can feel out of place for many reasons that have nothing to do with our sense of worth. A short list might include being in a new or unfamiliar physical environment, experiencing cultural or language gaps, sensory overload, holding different values or beliefs, being in an uncomfortable social setting, dealing with hidden stress or anxiety, feelings of being in the right place but the wrong time, feelings of being in the place you intended to create but one detail is off and it throws everything out of sync.
Environment and Culture
Moving to a new neighborhood, city, school, job, or country automatically comes with unfamiliar traditions. As a new bride not too long out of college, I moved to a tiny town less than two hours from where I’d grown up. To paraphrase Reese Witherspoon in “Sweet Home Alabama,” it felt like I needed a passport.
It took about five minutes to get labeled as a snob. My “sin”? Some guy passing on the street tried to catch my eye and chat as if he knew me. I had no idea who he was. Where I came from, nice girls didn’t engage. Different places, different norms. Ironically, that norm was also true in this town, but the rules changed because everyone in that tiny town already knew who I was even if I’d never met any of them. It felt…strange. Getting chastised by my newly-minted in-laws didn’t help. It was the third time I had gotten in trouble for not automatically knowing how things were done.
Feeling out of place due to your environment and culture is a profound form of disorientation. Whether you call it disorientation or culture shock, it happens when your experience, values, customs, or expectations do not match the social norms, physical surroundings, or pacing of the world you are currently in. It sets up a conflict between who you are, how you have been taught to be, and how you are expected to conform with the dominant cultural expectations of your current setting. It becomes an exhausting tightrope walk, draining you mentally and emotionally. Worse, it can feel like parts of you – sometimes your favorite parts – go unrecognized, unvalued, or misunderstood.
When your core beliefs and communication style conflict with the dominant cultural expectations of your setting, it can feel like an identity crisis – how far are you willing to go to adapt? Was adapting meeting in the middle or giving up your SELF? Deeply intuitive or observant people often notice these nuanced differences in social dynamics and energy more keenly, leading to a sense of isolation.
Later, when I moved back to my hometown after being away for years and living in four other states, a different kind of isolation occurred. There was a moment of feeling like a celebrity followed by most people returning to their established routines and circles. The people who made space for me were – and are – particularly treasured, but it was a bumpy re-entry.
Physical Setting
When this disorientation is happening, the place you are in may not feel safe, even if you’re in your own space like I was on my patio. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve escaped to a bathroom or some other oasis, anywhere that would offer a moment’s respite.
There are plenty of good grounding techniques. Assuming I’m in no real danger, what works best for me is to begin with simply tuning in – what am I feeling, what is it telling me, what do I want to do about it.
It’s not unlike the cinematic technique. Pausing. Slowing down. Getting a different perspective. Tuning out the noise and tuning in to the feeling. Consider those feelings as messengers of wisdom and guidance, then see where they lead.
Social and Communication Differences
Different locations, different families, different friend circles, different colleagues, different generations – each can have their own language, slang, and humor style.
Younger me was nervous about asking for clarity. I was certain it would make me look dumber than I already felt. I had grown up in a household where looks were everything and getting answers right helped ensure safety. Not knowing the lingo was dangerous territory.
Goals, values, and beliefs were also a minefield. In this new environment, I was seen as a radical – a woman with a college education, who read books people had never heard of, and used $10 words. That was not an identity I had anticipated. Or at least never saw as radical.
The result was a kind of social fatigue – feeling both energized and drained after being around people for too long. Yes, they were friends, and then suddenly, unexpectedly, we’d hit a wall.
Internal and Psychological Factors
The knee-jerk reactions when things feel unsettled tend to be overthinking, worrying about how other people see you, worrying about getting left out.
Worrying in general.
My collection of made-up worst-case scenarios accurately represents the number of years I’ve been collecting them.
Do you know how many have come true? Take a wild guess.
Our minds are storymaking machines. Just as our hearts pump blood and our lungs circulate air, our minds churn out ideas and weave feelings into stories – all day, every day.
Those worst-case scenarios rarely go further than those stories. And even then, they’re rarely as bad as imagined.
Where they do their greatest damage is in keeping us so focused on the fear of what might happen, we can miss the clues and get blindsided to what IS happening. We feel like we’re walking on eggshells, holding the reins tight, hoping we won’t get triggered.
Feeling like I was on the outside looking in was a different kind of awareness. More like my life flashing before my eyes and realizing my own choices had brought me to this moment. It clearly wasn’t a bad moment. It was just as clearly demanding a look at what was out of sync and what, if anything, I wanted to do about it. But that’s another story for another day.
Now put yourself into the scene. Imagine yourself standing on the edge of whatever your own “patio” might be. What are you feeling?
If you sometimes feel out of sync and wonder how you got there, you may want to get started by Putting Your Triggers to Work FOR You. If that sounds like an odd place to start, consider this: working backwards can be a powerful way to move forward, especially when we’ve been feeling stuck. By defining what you need to address, you can clear confusion, highlight what’s important, and avoid wasting time on busywork.
Who I’m reading today:
What it Means to Come Undone: “To be clear, if you had met me in my office, on the street, or almost anywhere else, you probably would have thought my life was going exceptionally well. I made sure of that. I’ve spent most of my life, starting in girlhood, working hard to hide my struggles. I knew how to show up prepared, thoughtful, responsible, and capable. From the outside, my life didn’t just look stable; it looked enviable…That steadiness, though, required a tremendous amount of performance.”