Reader Question: That mantra you use is horrible! The third statement says I surrender. Why would you tell people to give up? I expected better from you.
I’m so glad she asked…
We’ve been well-schooled that surrender means quitting, admitting defeat, rolling over, inviting yourself to be kicked. It’s a harsh ending. It means the battle is over and you have been beaten. The war has been lost. What happens next is rarely good.
That war is external. It’s about seizing control, winning at the expense of another person or cause.
But what of your internal war? The war in your own mind and heart? Your war with your fear? Your war with your past? Your war with your god, source, the universe?
That war has only one possible victim – you. It also has only one possible victor – also you.
The only way to win the inner war is to surrender. In this surrender, there are only winners.
You win this war by ceasing to resist (surrender), by letting go of your false sense of control (surrender), and by allowing your self to surrender to your Self. We accept (surrender) that we cannot control what happens around us so we stop trying to force other people and circumstances to bend to our will. We give up reacting (surrender) and find our true voice. We put down the weapons (surrender) we’ve been using against ourselves.
In accepting that outside circumstances will do and be what they will, we become the opposite of defeated. We become conquerors who cannot be defeated. We become choosers of our own responses to external events and other people. We become definers of our own destinies. Surrendering in that war allows us to be at peace with ourselves. It is an exquisite feeling.
It begins with surrendering control.
We have been hoodwinked into believing control is possible. Ask any deposed dictator, and he/she will tell you absolute control is unattainable, impossible, fleeting, deceptive.
At some point, other people will get fed up with your bossiness and pursue their own autonomy which may or may not dovetail with your plans. Every human being wants things to be a certain way. THEIR way. We think we have to fight tooth and nail to get it which only deflects our attention away from creating the things we really desire.
Control is a self-defeating delusion.
Surrender gives you the space and grace to figure things out without the fear or judgment inherent to external battle. You can turn away from fighting and tune within to your own inner wisdom and the wisdom of the universe.
Surrender is the short cut. Without the struggle, the peace that is your birthright can seep back in. The only thing keeping it out has been your own inner battles, your own pursuit of control. Your self-delusion.
We have been taught to hold on tightly instead of relinquishing control. We have taught to vigorously fend off enemies. We have been taught to pursue perfect relationships, careers, friendships, children, finances. We have been taught that without the control of perfectionism, we are nothing.
We have not been taught to surrender to the good that is already waiting for us.
Everything we want and don’t have already exists for us outside our comfort zone, waiting for us to allow it in. Instead of welcoming it, surrendering to its existence, we have been taught to fight for it. The illusion of control has crept into our comfort zone and poisoned it.
Fighting for our desires is counterproductive. It signals fear. It says loud and clear that you do not trust your Self. You do not trust god, source, the universe, so you try to force it on your own.
You’re trying too hard. Trying too hard backfires, making it harder to live your desires.
That isn’t to say we don’t take action. Surrender isn’t an excuse for being lazy. It doesn’t mean you lounge on the sofa languidly eating bon bons while expecting someone else to do the lifting. Instead, surrender means inviting inner guidance and taking that next step, next action, no matter how teensy, in faith and co-creation. Relinquishing the need to carry the entire burden by yourself. Welcoming your inner wisdom, the guidance of god, source, the universe. Experiencing what it’s like to have the doubt, fear, control, and perfectionism lifted from your shoulders. Doing the work while allowing someone else to carry the burdens. Feels good, doesn’t it? That is the feeling of surrender.
Surrender to the belief that everything you desire is already yours. It already exists for you or you wouldn’t know to desire it.
The truest meaning of surrender is getting out of your own way. It’s the one who surrenders that truly wins the war.
Anne Wade is Teacher, Writer, Mentor, and Coach for courageous women in midlife and beyond who want to disrupt their own status quo and design life on their own terms, even in turbulent times. She has developed the Becoming Found process of going within to find and address the inner barriers we have all inadvertently built up against love, happiness, health, wealth and any other desires of our hearts. Teaching women to unapologetically shine like a superstar and live their legacy is Anne’s mission.
You can follow her on her Facebook page “Anne Wade – Becoming found” or join her “Becoming Found” Facebook group.