Reader Question - I am a man who is married to a younger woman. The reason for our dating and eventually marriage was we never had a problem with each other and we respected each other’s life and interest. There was no intrusion or compulsion in each other’s life. But in the last 3 years or so there has been a huge shift in my life in terms of spirituality. During this period is when we got a kid. And my wife seemed very disconnected with me. Despite me asking several times and offering every kind of option she was never in a position to explain why she felt so disconnected. I was ok with this initially and thought it is just a passing phase. My spiritual journey had begun and I was very contented within myself. During this period I started interacting with this girl whom I knew for the past 10 years. We had common interests and out of nowhere I expressed that I have a liking for her. And she said she always liked me and always thought of spending her life with me. And she had just got engaged. From there this just took off. We realized we were in the same spiritual path. The relationship became really intense and we got a feeling that it was a case of a twin flame relationship. Love making sessions seemed meditative. Now I am disconnected with my wife at the soul level. My wife got to know about this and now she claims that she is back from the disconnected stage and she loves me. And my relationship with the other girl is becoming stronger and we experience various miracles, synchronicities, etc. What’s the way out? I feel my wife deserves some one better to be loved coz I have realized how beautiful life is when you are really in love. I am at this crossroad not knowing where to go!
Whew! Sounds as if you have a lot going on at once! I’m very glad you’re asking yourself these questions, looking for answers, reading, listening. Let’s look at them one at a time, starting with your wife’s “disconnection” after the birth of your child.
Relationship Changes After the Birth of a Child are Normal and Natural
Please listen carefully – This is normal and natural and absolutely essential after the birth of a child! Her body and soul have just been through an intense life-changing experience, a major shift resulting in a new little life dependent on her, and you too, of course, though in different ways. A wise and kind husband would be looking for every opportunity to show love and support to his wife at this time, which brings husband and wife closer than ever before and creates a family with this new little person they have together brought into the world. A baby is not something you “get” like buying milk or beer at the grocery. He or she is a soul in human form that you jointly create and usher into the world. What you do, or don’t do, how you are with your wife, the choices you make for yourself, will all help shape this baby’s life. Your choices matter.
Remember, it is through the GIVING of love that we RECEIVE genuine love. Yet, instead of focusing on giving love by supporting your wife through this new phase in your marriage and nurturing this new little life the two of you have created together, you are complaining that she has disconnected and have taken up with another woman. Your wife may be having a difficult time adjusting to all the changes happening to her – some women do. By rising to the occasion and showing her love in ways that are meaningful to her, you strengthen the love you two share. Will that save your marriage? That’s not for me to say. What it will do is set up a more loving and compassionate environment regardless of whether you stay together or go your separate ways.
Personal Growth Opportunity or Divorce? It's a Choice
Regardless of the “reason” you dated and married, the reality is that you chose your wife. And in doing so, you made commitments to love, honor, and cherish. It sounds as if you haven’t made much effort to live those commitments, it sounds as if your focus is more on what you are getting than what you are giving, and you are now complaining about the results of your own lack of loving action. Love is a verb and it begins with you. The best way to receive the love we want is to learn how to give love in ways that are meaningful to the recipient. Learning this and learning to live this are the greatest lessons life has to offer. Please begin by rethinking your actions and feelings. Bring them into better alignment with the situation you have helped create.
It’s a common misconception to think that our Twin Flame is another person and the ultimate romance. In reality, finding your twin is waking up to the realization that you are your own twin. We’re fond of saying “We are all One” without pausing to think what that really means. Think about it. It means there really is only One and you are it. Everyone we encounter in life is just another aspect of ourselves appearing to reveal something else to us in our awakening process. The reunion we are all seeking is waking up to this understanding and to the reality that we ourselves are Love. That’s all we are. We come from Love and to Love we are returning because we are Love, and this life is all about finding our way home to Love by learning to act and think and feel in loving ways.
There is a delightful video called “The Egg” based on a story of the same name by Andrew Weir. In about 7 minutes, the video charmingly sums up this principle Oneness in an easy-to-understand way.
You mentioned that your girlfriend is engaged. That means there are a minimum of 5 people directly affected by your choices. Since you are the one asking (you are to be commended for that), you are aware at some level that your choices have consequences and that makes you responsible for making wise, kind, compassionate decisions and taking wise, kind, compassionate actions. We all have an Emotional Mind and a Thinking Mind, and in the synthesis of those is our Wise Mind where kindness, love, and compassion guide. That doesn’t mean the “right” answer is stay with your wife or to go with your girlfriend, for that matter. Something bigger and more important is happening here. You are being offered the opportunity to distinguish between selfishness and compassion, to learn how to make decisions with your Wise Mind and Wise Heart, and to learn the difference between Self Care and Selfishness. This is powerful stuff and I hope you are paying attention to what lies beneath these experiences.
We are all on a spiritual path from the day we are born and we are all on it together. It isn’t that your spiritual journey had finally started. It was that you finally became aware of being on a spiritual journey. It isn’t that you have disconnected from your wife at the soul level. That isn’t even possible. These are inescapable parts of being human. The question is always how will we shape our path? Will we shape it with compassion and love or with selfishness? Giving love is not situational. It is not that you “can” give love to this new woman and “can’t” give it to your wife. There are different kinds of love, and there is always an appropriate kind regardless of the situation. Whether you stay with your wife and child or pursue a relationship with this other woman, learning to give love, instead of sitting back to take love, is the greatest gift you can give all of you.
Anne Wade is Teacher, Writer, Mentor, and Coach for courageous women in midlife and beyond who want to disrupt their own status quo and design life on their own terms, even in turbulent times. She has developed the Becoming Found process of going within to find and address the inner barriers we have all inadvertently built up against love, happiness, health, wealth and any other desires of our hearts. Teaching women to unapologetically shine like a superstar and live their legacy is Anne’s mission.
You can follow her on her Facebook page “Anne Wade – Becoming found” or join her “Becoming Found” Facebook group.