Reader Question - How can you use the Law of Attraction to attract your Twin Flame? I really want to attract the other half of my soul. How can I do this? I’m tired of dating men that turn out not be my soulmate.
This is a question on the hearts and minds of so many people, and it keeps coming up in many different ways.
When the film The Secret first hit the scene, I was thrilled – it was bringing an important topic to mainstream conversation. Because I knew some of the people involved, I was privileged to see it early and knew the simplicity of the presentation was likely to be both its strength and its downfall.
That turned out to be true.
Its simplicity made it easy to talk about and also led to a lot of confusion. We’ll talk about some of that here, but first, let’s get a few little truths out of the way:
- Truth #1 - Your Twin Flame isn’t something you order off the menu like your favorite steak cooked just the way you like. (Implying that may have been one of the disservices of the movie.) Because we are each in our own driver’s seat for finding romance and anything else we want to draw into our lives, we are the ones who have to do the “work.” It’s all personal inner work, never looking “out there” to find what we want. It can be viewed as “easy” or “hard,” but the truth is it’s just what must be done, plain and simple, regardless of how you view it. Your commitment to and focus on doing your own inner work are the shortcut to manifesting the love you desire and anything else in life. Any other route just prolongs your disappointment.
- Truth #2 - Each and every one of the men you have dated was a soulmate of some kind. They may have been an ego mate or karmic mate, but they were still a soulmate. Understanding that is vital to finding the love you want. Instead of dismissing them as “not your soulmate,” learn to treasure them for the nugget of enlightenment and personal growth they brought to you. Without them, you might never be ready for the love you crave. Rejecting their gifts just bogs you down and keeps you separated from your desires. Accepting their gift with gratitude, whatever that gift may have been, is what speeds you on your way. I always use the movie Groundhog Day as an example. At first, Bill Murray’s character was mired in annoyance and impatience. Then as understanding began to break through, he accepted and appreciated each little lesson and used it as a springboard. That’s what each of us must do.
- Truth #3 - Finding your Twin Flame is not a magic carpet that whisks you away to some enchanted place with no more lessons or healing. Usually, the opposite is true. For Twin Souls, everything that still needs healing and awakening will come up. In spades. But now you are in a position to welcome these experiences together. You are finally realizing the truth of unconditional love, giving and receiving it. It’s not at all what you expected (thank pop culture and advertising for that little misconception), but it is so much better.
So let’s talk about The Law of Attraction. You know you want something badly. You know it’s right for you. And yet, it always seems just out of reach. What could be the problem?
Congruence and Alignment
The reason most people don’t get what they is because at some level their thoughts, feelings, beliefs, or habits are in conflict with that stated desire.
What do you think about most during your waking hours? Do you waste precious time lamenting the men you’ve dated who weren’t The One? Do you take inventory of what was “wrong” with them, listing their faults and flaws? Do you let that happen in your mind even if you aren’t speaking it out loud? Do you secretly or overtly feel a little sorry for yourself or annoyed with your situation?
If that’s the case, two things are happening in the background.
First, your subconscious thinks you want more of these same circumstances. After all, you are thinking about them all the time! So it goes searching to dutifully bring you more of what it thinks you want. Your subconscious thinks it is following your instructions and bringing you your desires. You have to get in the habit of giving it better instructions.
Second, you are making it clear to your soul that you haven’t learned anything yet, so it lovingly and patiently keeps bringing you the lessons and relationships you need, over and over, until you are really ready to move on. Think Bill Murray again.
Together, these are the foundation of why we keep experiencing the same relationship over and over.
Keep in mind that in each of your previous relationships, YOU are the common denominator. YOU are the one creating these relationships. YOU are the one being attracted to the people you choose to date. YOU are in charge....and that’s the good news. Perhaps the most difficult aspect of the Law of Attraction is that we are doing it to ourselves. There isn’t anyone “out there” making this happen. Once you surrender to that notion, you suddenly realize that you don’t have to rely on anyone else to “fix” it.
Here’s a little exercise for you:
- Make a list of every person you have dated, lived with, or been married to.
- For each of them, make a list of things you can be grateful for from this person – lessons learned and experiences shared. It may be that you took great trips together, especially to places you might not have gone on your own. Or maybe you have wonderful children. Perhaps he introduced to you to a hobby that is now a favorite or showed you the secrets of grilling. Maybe you learned to be more patient or stand up for yourself better. It can be anything. The point is to find something in each and every relationship for which you are grateful.
- Spend some time thinking about those things in pure gratitude. Think about them until you can smile. You don’t have to like the person better or regret the end of the relationship. This is about the good that occurred no matter what the outcome. Remember, every experience you have contains the seed of transformation for you.
- Become aware of the Mixed Signals trap. If you are telling yourself how wonderful a new and different relationship will be, even hearing this imaginary perfect partner declare their love in ways that are meaningful to you, yet still nursing images of past hurts and failed relationships, your attractor factors will be all over the map. And so will your results. Congruence and alignment are disciplines, new habits to be practiced diligently until they feel natural. Those old ways of thinking may seem comfortable, but they haven’t brought you what you want. Do you want it enough to do your own work? Only you can answer that.
Find the things that get you excited and spark your enthusiasm. Emphasize those things in your personal choices. Join clubs or MeetUps based on those interests. Hang out with people who think the way you want to habitually think. The more you put your focus on activities and feelings you enjoy and want, the more they will distract you from your fears, anxieties, judgments, and disappointments.
Get clear on the tremendous value of your previous relationships. Allowing yourself to think fondly of the good parts while jettisoning what you perceive to have been bad will get your juices flowing in a better direction for the outcome you really want. Dwelling on the parts you liked will help your subconscious seek more of those experiences and signal your soul that you are ready for what you claim to want. That focus aligns your thoughts and desires making them congruent with each other and with your true wishes.
The question comes up over and over – How do I jettison the hurtful parts of past relationships and still treasure the good stuff? In a word – forgiveness.
Let’s face it – sometimes it feels impossible to forgive. The hurt or disappointment runs so deep we are afraid that even looking at it will reopen the wound.
Just as with a physical injury, forgiveness does not deny that a grievous wound occurred. It did, whatever the reason, and you are left to figure out how to recover and be stronger and healthier. In the physical body, when a wound festers it must be lanced so the infection can escape and healing can occur. That can’t happen if we keep burying the hurt or picking at it. The same is true of emotional injuries and forgiveness is the way to lance the wound.
When you were a little kid and fell off your bike skinning your knees, what happened? Did you keep playing or did you run to mom? Did that depend on how bad you thought the scrape was? Did you blame the bike for throwing you? Did you blame the road crews for potholes? Did you blame yourself for not riding better? Did you acknowledge the boo-boo and let it go or milk it? Did you stop riding your bike because of the injury or get back on and go again?
There are no right or wrong answers, but looking at an unrelated incident in your life may help you better understand your coping style. There’s nothing to be gained from pretending that a hurt never occurred. There is also nothing to be gained by over-nursing it.
With forgiveness, we acknowledge that something occurred that we didn’t like. We then get to choose whether we dwell on the bad part or let it go. It happened. It’s over. What next? We get to choose what we carry from the experience. Do we pick up the good stuff that will help us or do we burden ourselves by carrying the unpleasant stuff we don’t need and hopefully won’t use? With backpacking, for example, you only carry what is essential, what can be of good helpful use. Anything else is just weighing you down. The same is true of life.
Keep in mind that you were once attracted to each of these men you dated. What was the original attraction? Are you feeling unforgiving because they did not live up to your expectations? They didn’t do what you thought they should? If so, addressing your need for expectations and shoulds is critical. Until you deal with this within yourself, you can change partners till the day you die and never get the love you want.
Love cannot thrive in an atmosphere of expectations and shoulds. Our Twin Soul wants to connect with us just as much as we want to connect with them. It is our responsibility to clear the path to our door and to trust that our Beloved is doing his or her own cleaning.
Because the truth is you don’t find a soulmate, you become one and that becomes a homing beacon for your Beloved.
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Anne Wade is Teacher, Writer, Mentor, and Coach for courageous women in midlife and beyond who want to disrupt their own status quo and design life on their own terms, even in turbulent times. She has developed the Becoming Found process of going within to find and address the inner barriers we have all inadvertently built up against love, happiness, health, wealth and any other desires of our hearts. Teaching women to unapologetically shine like a superstar and live their legacy is Anne’s mission.
You can follow her on her Facebook page “Anne Wade – Becoming found” or join her “Becoming Found” Facebook group.