Reader Question - I have been divorced for several years and have dated quite a lot during that time. I haven't met anyone I’ve clicked with, and don’t know whether to move, or just face the facts it’s a done deal for me and find something else to do, or just give up and know it is not going to happen.
Before moving or giving up, let’s take a look at what you are “giving out.”
I firmly believe that “The Giver becomes the Receiver” applies to every single aspect of life. The flip side of that philosophy is “If you don’t like what you are getting, look first at what you are giving and make changes there.” It’s really basic seventh grade science – if you want a different response, you must give a different stimulus.
Do you have a clear picture of the type person you are seeking?
Finding a good partner starts with knowing yourself. It sounds simple when you hear it, but it is vital – You have to know what you are looking for if you want to know it when you find it. Granted, there will be areas where you are flexible and that’s fine. Those may be areas your new love can introduce to you or the two of you can explore together. For the most part, though, there are qualities, characteristics, interests, preferences, and lifestyle choices that are important to you. Get crystal clear clarity for yourself on what they are and get good at quickly recognizing the signs. This is NOT about being picky. It’s not even about looks and income. It’s about getting in touch with yourself.
Act in accordance with what you are seeking.
Once you are clear on exactly the type person and relationship you prefer, make sure your own behavior is in alignment. For example - You desire someone who is physically fit and enjoys healthy food, but you are a couch potato who loves junk. With your current habits, you are more likely to attract other couch potato junk food lovers. So you have a choice: Decide you like your current ways and are OK sharing that lifestyle with a Beloved, OR clean up your own act, matching your behaviors to what you claim to desire. The choice is entirely yours and either one is just fine.
Where are you hanging out?
Where is the person you described in #1 hanging out? Go there! If you want someone outdoorsy, join local outdoor clubs or take classes. If you want a non-drinker, but are hanging out in bars yourself, what are your chances? If you love the symphony, join their fundraising league. Volunteer. Search for groups on MeetUp. Get involved in your own interests. You’ll meet people who share your interests and one of them may turn out to be your Beloved. Or introduce you to him/her.
Get comfortable with your own company.
Humans may have a natural inclination towards coupling, but it is also important to be comfortable on our own. People who are happy and at ease with themselves are natural magnets. They exude the opposite of neediness. If you seem too desperate, you will attract others who are also desperate. Needy, clingy, emotional vampires. If that is what you want, that is just fine. If you are looking for something else, find your own comfort first. Alone does not need to equal lonely.
What about online dating?
Online dating can be a great resource, introducing you to people you might not meet otherwise. Just remember, the same guidelines apply as meeting in person. Think of it as “truth in advertising.” Make sure your pictures are current, both accurate and flattering. Think of your profile, written and pictorial, as telling the story of YOU. What is the first impression you want to make? Lead with that and gradually reveal the rest.
What is the person you want to attract looking for in their own mate?
If you only take one thing from this conversation, let this be it.
You don’t find a Soulmate. You become One.
And that transforms you into a homing beacon for the One who is seeking that match.
What is the person you hope to find looking for? Are you a match? If not, make that your self-improvement map. Or look instead for someone who matches who you are right now. Either is a good approach.
Most of the time, when people say they can’t find anyone, it’s because there is a disconnect between HOW they are being and WHO they are seeking. It’s usually an unconscious mismatch so just becoming more mindful often makes a big difference.
Before giving up, moving, or making any other drastic changes, do this simple exercise:
- Make a list of what you are looking for in a mate.
- Make a list of what the person you just described is likely to be looking for in a mate.
- Cross-reference. Where are you currently a match and where is there room for improvement?
- Take action. You can either use this exercise as a map for self-improvement or as a guide to re-think what you really want.
The Giver becomes the Receiver indeed!
Anne Wade is Teacher, Writer, Mentor, and Coach for courageous women in midlife and beyond who want to disrupt their own status quo and design life on their own terms, even in turbulent times. She has developed the Becoming Found process of going within to find and address the inner barriers we have all inadvertently built up against love, happiness, health, wealth and any other desires of our hearts. Teaching women to unapologetically shine like a superstar and live their legacy is Anne’s mission.
You can follow her on her Facebook page “Anne Wade – Becoming found” or join her “Becoming Found” Facebook group.