Reader Question: I’ve met someone and think she is my twin soul, but we’re both married. She makes me feel alive and excited in ways my marriage no longer does. My wife is great, but I miss feeling like this. What should I do?
A year ago, I addressed a similar question and that article is still garnering comments and private messages. In fact, this question comes from one of those emails. Clearly, there is a lot of heartache and confusion swirling around this topic and it definitely deserves another visit. (You can access the previous article and all the comments at “I’ve Just Met My Soulmate, but Am Already Happily Married.”)
Even when we deeply love our partner, we can meet someone who sends chills up our spines. When that happens, it’s natural to assume that new person is The One. Consider this:
“The Buddhists say if you meet somebody and your heart pounds, your hands shake, your knees go weak, that’s not the one. When you meet your ‘soul mate’ you’ll feel calm. No anxiety, no agitation.” ~ Monica Drake, Clown Girl
Seems I’ve been quoting this a lot recently. In reality, the Buddhists didn’t have much to say about soulmates, but the concept is spot-on. That excitement we feel upon meeting someone new is a connection of some kind, but believing that feeling always indicates true love or your Twin Soul is a myth of pop culture.
Instead, the energy we feel passing between us is more likely signaling that we have met someone with similar issues or who is working on similar life lessons or who is giving us a little reminder to notice and appreciate what we have. Depending on what happens after that initial spark, we can end up feeling really good or really bad, burned or warmed. Either way, we will be changed, ultimately for the better. Either way, the feeling is waving a flag that says, “Important! Awakening opportunity just ahead.” The feeling of chemistry by itself is not a good indicator that they are The One love-wise or even that they belong in our life long-term. Since we rarely give ourselves even 5 seconds to assess what that chemistry might be saying, we end up in all sorts of relationship predicaments.
The proof of this is right before our eyes, yet we frequently choose to ignore it. How many times have you met someone at a networking or social event and just clicked? Maybe it was love, but statistically it’s more likely they became a colleague or friend or just passed through. Or how many times have you met someone and felt instant chemistry only to have the relationship blow up later? You read it as love and it may have mimicked love for a little while, but it didn’t last and may have ended badly.
Keep in mind that everyone we meet is a soulmate of some kind or another. You’ve heard me say it a million times and here goes a million and one:
- Not all soulmates are romantic. They are also family, friends, colleagues, enemies, and even our victims. Because…
- All soulmates are teachers. Each one is helping us become aware of some new aspect we've hidden within ourselves on our way to our ultimate awakening.
With that in mind, let’s look at some of the possibilities for what’s happening here:
- It’s a wake-up call to put more zing into your marriage. You say your wife is great, but you miss that “in love” feeling. You can get it back. By far the fastest and easiest way is to tune in to her. Figure out what says love in ways that are meaningful to her. “The Giver becomes the Receiver” is one of the fundamental truths of the universe and nowhere is that more true than in relationships. There’s no “one size fits all” and that’s why it is so important to get inside her head and her heart. Take me, for example. If my husband takes care of my car – full tank, engine in tip top running order, clean inside and out – I feel absolutely cherished and eagerly look for ways to show him how much he means to me. Some other woman might scoff at that or even be offended, but feel adored by the husband who gives her jewelry. Neither way is right or wrong. They are simply individual preferences and that’s the key. Give love in ways that are meaningful to the recipient in order for you to receive the loving treatment you desire in the ways you prefer. Who knows? Your wife may be feeling the same thing and this is your opportunity to re-ignite your marriage for both of you.
- It’s a wake-up call to deal with your own internal boredom. When we feel bored or empty, we tend to point fingers at the people and circumstances around us. We think changing partners or jobs or moving will fix the feeling. Unfair! If you are feeling apathetic in any situation or relationship, begin by looking at yourself, changing yourself. The cold hard truth might be that you are bored with yourself and are projecting it out, blaming someone or something else, rather than looking within and dealing with the root of the matter. You can also address boredom by changing the way you look at things. Instead of focusing on the boredom, play a game with yourself by focusing on things to be grateful for. Suddenly, everything looks different and you’ll have a much clearer picture.
- It’s a wake-up call that your marriage has run its course - that you have outgrown the relationship or situation, and it’s time for you to move on or kick into self-awareness mode. Instead, you’ve been lollygagging in monotony or procrastinating and you needed a trigger. But keep in mind – leaving isn’t about recapturing that “in love” feeling with someone else, and leaving your spouse for that reason almost always brings disappointment and frequently disaster. Instead, it’s about making conscious decisions for your soul’s evolution while simultaneously being compassionate for the other people involved. Regardless of what you’ve seen in movies or read in books, changing partners in and of itself doesn’t fix anything. It just masks the original problem for a little while.
Clearly, meeting this woman is indicating it’s time for a change of some kind. The question is “What kind?” Sure, it’s tempting to jump to the conclusion that this new person must be The One and then jump into it. I would encourage you to first dig deeper, consider the scenarios outlined above before mindlessly making such a major move. And above all, search for the underlying truth. In situations like this, people often don’t want the truth. Instead, they want reassurance that what they believe or what they think they want is the truth. Rise above that. Search your own soul for what’s really going on and then you will know that your decision, regardless of what you decide, is for the greater good for all.
Anne Wade is Teacher, Writer, Mentor, and Coach for courageous women in midlife and beyond who want to disrupt their own status quo and design life on their own terms, even in turbulent times. She has developed the Becoming Found process of going within to find and address the inner barriers we have all inadvertently built up against love, happiness, health, wealth and any other desires of our hearts. Teaching women to unapologetically shine like a superstar and live their legacy is Anne’s mission.
You can follow her on her Facebook page “Anne Wade – Becoming found” or join her “Becoming Found” Facebook group.